Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe? " When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty! " shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good! " and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior? ", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ! " shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good! " and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? " Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half! " The Teacher fainted."
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
Death of an Eel
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother:"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST!Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something. This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet. "Mother fainted."
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
Reload
A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde. To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief. The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims, "So that's how you guys load those things! "
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
Getting in an Accdient
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God! "Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth. "The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God! "The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune. "The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi? "The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police. "
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
Pre-nuptial agreements
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. "I'll only marry you under three conditions. " she said. "Anything, anything," said the ambassador. "First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement. "Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy! " The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation. "Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France. " The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build! " The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you, if you have a 10 inch tool. "A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut! "
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
Why,why, tell me why
WHY?..
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down " and "slow up " mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance " and "slim chance " mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game " when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands " when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark " when it really is "after light "?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected " make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?"
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down " and "slow up " mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance " and "slim chance " mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game " when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands " when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark " when it really is "after light "?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected " make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?"
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
Men Joke
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you. "
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye. "
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you. "
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye. "
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
Funny jokes 50 best jokes
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive "
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen " and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France " and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo " and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane."
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen " and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France " and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo " and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane."
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
The teacher tells the class....
The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game,she will describe an object and the students will tell her what she had described. Teacher: "The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem. " Timmy: " I know what it is, it's an apple. " Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking. " "OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it. "Christopher: "I know what it is, it's an orange. " Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking. " Johnny: "Can I try, Teacher? " Teacher: "Yes Johnny, but, Keep it clean! " Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a second, and says "My object is round, hard, and has a head on it. " Teacher: "Alright Johnny, go to the office! " Johnny: "No Teacher, it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking! "
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
Blondes convention
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention ". The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer? " A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15? " After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen! " Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance! " The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance. " So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5? " After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety? " The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened -- the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! " The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2? " The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four? ". Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! "
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
Dearest wife
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message: To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Your Devoted Husband. P. S. Sure is hot down here.
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
I found this joke on the iPhone and iPod Touch app called 18,000 COOL JOKES. If you liked it, check out the app. See the publisher's site: http://www.cramzy.com/
A little girl was walking along a beach in California
A little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals. The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister? "The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away! "The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep. Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excruciating pain. "Where the hell am I? "A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency help, so we rushed you right over. "Well, what the hell happened to me? "We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening to you today? "The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just before I fell asleep. " The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl wasstill there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happened to that nice man you saw here earlier? "Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice little bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck,broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire! "
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